Understanding the "IDEAL Response" from TBRI

February 9, 2024 | Author: Kelly Dougherty, Foster Care Supervisor & Clinical Intern

 

Connection

For children who have experienced trauma, connection in their relationships with caregivers is important through every high, low, and in between. Whether you are celebrating a goal from a soccer game, encouraging your child to work on homework instead of watching tv, or tucking them into bed, connecting positively with your child builds trust and security in your relationship. This connection is often easier to show during the positive experiences in life, but how can you foster connection during the more challenging, disciplining moments?

The “IDEAL Response” is a strategy that comes out of the Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), derived by Dr. Karyn Purvis, with a goal to help caregivers like you connect with your child whenever you have to correct misbehavior. Rather than simply telling a child ‘don’t do that’ or ‘put that down,” consider responding using the “IDEAL Response,” which is Immediate, Direct, Efficient, Action-Based, and Leveled at the Behavior.

Immediate

Your response should be Immediate. Within three seconds of the behavior, be sure to address it. This allows the child to know exactly what behavior was wrong and time to correct it right away.

Direct

Next, respond Directly to your child. Be on their level, make eye contact, and maybe touch their shoulder or arm to let them know you aren’t just reprimanding, but you are there for them in the moment to help.

Efficient

Third, be Efficient in your response. Stay aware of how you are responding and try to keep your words short and simple, in an easy way for your child to understand. Keep your voice calm as you explain the situation.

Action-Based

Instead of punishment, try to keep your response Action-based. Allow your child to have a second chance to redo their reaction or response. If they perform the “redo” properly, make sure you praise them for the correct response so they can correlate the positivity to the correct reaction.

Leveled at the Behavior

Last but certainly not least, make sure your response is Leveled at the behavior, not the child. It’s important to make sure your child knows it is just their action or behavior that is “bad,” and not them. A child’s worth should never be directly correlated to their reactions, and you want to make that clear to your child. Always choose your words wisely so that they are directed at the action or behavior, and not your child.

The amazing thing about the “IDEAL Response” is that your child should feel just as loved and connected after the correction as they did before. Remember that the child has a past that might include neglect or abuse, so they will need a deeper level of connection and trust. This “IDEAL Response” creates the idea that even though a child made the wrong choice or had a bad reaction, they are still loved and cared for.

As parents, we are God’s representatives to children. Correct as He does – in an IDEAL way. “Fully embrace God's correction as part of your training, for he is doing what any loving father does for his children. For who has ever heard of a child who never had to be corrected? We all should welcome God's discipline as the validation of authentic sonship.” - Hebrews 12:7-10